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What about the questions hip hop asked us?

#UnansweredHipHopQuestions was trending on Twitter yesterday, and was totally amazing (see our favorites below). It consisted of addressing the many important puzzles hip hop artists left unsolved in their lyrics, like what will happen if we disobey Kanye’s orders and we do, in fact, let him get in his zone? But this made us think, what about the questions hip hop asked of us, that we never answered? These questions may have seemed rhetorical at the time, but were they really?

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When Claudette Ortiz of City High asked us, “What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor cause he’s hungry?” she probably could have used an answer there. Sounds like she was having a pretty hard time.

Or when Craig David asked us “What’s your flava?” we thought about it for a while like, yeah, what IS our flavor? And then never got back to him. Ouch. What about when T-Pain just wanted to buy us that drank, Ludacris wanted to know how he could fulfill our fantasies, or Cam’ron just wanted to know what meant to world to us?

The Baja Men and DMX were just looking for their dogs, effectively using songs as WANTED and MISSING ads, and we couldn’t have just looked around for a little?

DMX also really needed directions to the hood, and we couldn’t even have been bothered to google maps it for him? Or when Ice Cube was having a good day and just wanted to know where we were playing basketball, we couldn’t have texted him letting him know? We totally snubbed A Tribe Called Quest when they wanted to know if they could kick it.

What about when Aloe Blacc needed a dollar? Or when Jay-Z wanted to know if he could get a what what or a woop woop? And all R. Kelly wanted was a toot toot, or at the very least a beep beep?

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When Murphy Lee just wanted to know what da hook was gon be, and Jibbs was wondering if our chain was hanging a little lower than usual?

And of course there was that time when Fat Joe and Ashanti were asking us deep meaning-of-life questions, like what’s luv got to do with it? And in the same vein the the Beastie Boys wanted to know wha wha wha wha what’s it all about? Maybe we just didn’t know the answer to those questions at the time. Frankly, I still don’t.

And how could we forget that time when J Lo wanted to know if her situation was humorous, or when The Black Eyed Peas were curious about what we were going to do with all that junk (yard sale?).

At the very least we could have answered Digital Underground when they asked us hey fat girl, are you ticklish?

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Something to think about.

READER CHALLENGE: ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.

And now for our 10 favorite Twitter #UnansweredHipHopQuestions:

Did Ms. Jackson ever accept Andre 3000’s apology?

Did Miley Cyrus hit up Mack Maine 3 years later?

Did anybody meet Young Joc at the mall before it went down?

When Eminem was cleaning out his closet, did he find Frank Ocean (or R. Kelly)?

Did anyone ever tell E-40 when to go?

What medical school did Dr. Dre go to again?

Was 50 Cent’s candy shop really profitable in this economy?

Did Khia ever go to a chiropractor for her neck and back problems?

What app allowed Rick Ross to sell dope straight from his iPhone?

Was the fire department called when Usher just let it burn?

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Posted by on January 21, 2012 in Extensive Lists

 

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Extensive Lists: Inappropriate Things to Say at a Tea Party

I’m going BEASTMODE on this tea right now.

There’s like nothing in this sandwich.

Will you do me a solid and google ukulele tuner again?

This is so extreme.

Can you teach me how to dougie?

Are these gluten free?

You make a mean tea.

Do you have iced tea?

You got any weed?

Your hat is stupid.

I’m gonna make this tea Irish.

Have you heard of the actor DMX?

Where’d you get these scones? 1999?

Can I get a grande nonfat chai latte with a shot of sugar free vanilla and extra whip?

Brb cigarette break

CHUG CHUG CHUG!

My period’s like 2 weeks late.

What do you think the odds are I have herpes?

What do you think the odds are you have herpes?

Do you have herpes?

Mind if I put on some slow jamz?

Can I get an AMF?

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Extensive Lists

 

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February Horoscopes, Straight from the Dog, DMX. ARF ARF.

Wanna fight me? Fight these tears

Aquarius- Time to Get Paid: “Money money money, bitches bitches bitches.” HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Pisces- Where the Hood At: “Once I split ya ass in two, you’ll be twice as butt.” WHAT?!

Aries- Shorty Was Da Bomb: “I like, “Whuttup, Boo, how you been, how you feel?” She said, “Aiight, but my friend’s kinda late Today’s the thirteenth, it shoulda been here on the eighth” I’m like, “For real? Well stress a pill. You better cuz i can’t afford another lil’ one.” She said, “Neither can I” I said, “Cool cuz i got mad shit to do and you still in school so at least we got the same thing in mind.” TAKE YOUR YAZ.

Taurus- Some X Shit: “Grrr, ARF ARF, woo woo! Grrr, ARF ARF, woo woo!” Y’KNOW?

Gemini- Stop Being Greedy: “Y’all been eatin long enough now stop bein greedy. Just keep it real partner give to the needy.” UNICEF.COM

Cancer- I Ain’t Going Home Tonight: “Baby, it’s like I love my wife, but we goin through things and I ain’t goin home tonight.” YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.

Leo- Bloodline Anthem:  “I don’t play with you cats like I used to.” TIME FOR NEW PETS.

Virgo- Get At Me Dog: “(Yea I’m right here dog) Where my dogs at? (We right here dog) Where my dogs at? (I’m right here dog)” STOP ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS.

Libra- You Could Be Blind: “Now if you start with dirt, then you start with hurt.” STOP WITH THE RUMORS, GOSSIP GIRL.

Scorpio- Party Up (Up in Here): “One.. two.. meet me outside meet me outside, meet me outside.” SERIOUSLY I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALMOST 15 MINUTES.

Sagittarius: Ruff Ryders Anthem: “Stop, drop, shut ’em down open up shop.” MONOPOLIZE YOUR INDUSTRY.

Capricorn- It’s All Good: “It’s the dog in me that makes me do wrong.” BLAME IT ON THE DOG.

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Horoscopes

 

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Extensive Lists: Reasons I Love R. Kelly

Kelly has described the entire “Trapped in the Closet” series as a “hip hopera”, and that “it’s now too long to be called a song.”When asked about the writing of the song, Kelly stated: “I don’t know how to explain how I wrote it. It just keeps rhyming and rhyming.” He has also stated that “Trapped in the Closet” seems to have taken on “a life, mind and body of its own”, and has called the series an “alien”. (Wikipedia)

he's a special case

Also, the DVD case claims that it is “crazier than a fish with titties.”

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2011 in Extensive Lists

 

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October Horoscopes, R. Kelly Style

IT'S THE FREAKIN WEEKEND BABY WE ABOUT TO HAVE US SOME FUN

Pisces: Pregnant- “Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant (knock you up) pregnant (knock you up).” USE A CONDOM.

Virgo: Contagious- “You’re contagious touch me baby (touch me) give me what you got. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah sexy lady…I just can’t believe this shit.”  YOU MAY START AN EPIDEMIC.

Libra: It’s Your Birthday- “Surprise. Girl I bet you thought I had went and forgot.” I DIDN’T, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Scorpio: Sex in the Kitchen- “Girl you’re in the kitchen, cooking me a meal, something makes me wanna come in there and get a feel…Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes…Sex in the kitchen over by the stove, put you on the counter by the buttered rolls.” HANG OUT IN KITCHENS A LOT.

Capricorn: Trapped in the Closet, Parts 1-22- “Shh, shh, quiet, hurry up and get in the closet. She said, don’t you make a sound or some shit is going down….I point my gun and says I’m not the one you after. He says son I bet you didn’t know my man, did she tell you that I was a pastor? I said well good that’s betta right, why can’t we handle this Christian- like? And I started to put the gun down, til I saw his face still had a frown…blah blah blah chapters 3-22.” THAT SUCKS.

Cancer: Don’t Let Me Die– TOO MUCH?

Taurus: Piano Lessons- “Piano keys, the melodies that you select it’s teasing me.” NEW HOBBY YEAH GIRL.

Gemini: I Like the Crotch on You- “Girl you look so fine, I wanna get with you. So tell me who’s your man, we will have a talk with him.” THAT CROTCH OF YOURS, GETTIN YOU ALL DEM BOYZ.

Aries: Don’t You Say No- “Don’t you say no tonight (If we’re not gonna bump and grind), Don’t you say no tonight (I’m gon’ get some sleep).” DON’T YOU SAY NO TONIGHT. DON’T YOU SAY NO.

Leo: Not Feelin’ the Love- “Lately you’ve been acting strange towards me baby, and your heart seems to grown straight cold. You used to laugh at everything I said baby. Now you play me like my jokes are old.”  YIKES!

Sagittarius: Hair Braider- “Hair braider huh I’m doin my hair braider, and she do my hair so good that I’m gonna tip her. The way she strip for me I gotta tip her.” NEW HAIRSTYLE OR ARE YOU BECOMING A STRIPPER THIS MONTH? EITHER WAY, PRETTY COOL!

Aquarius: Dancing With a Rich Man- “Private cotillion style, one lady’s fantasy. Trip to Milan tonight, exclusive shopping spree. Mansions await, your scent that smells just like treasure. Dining with me in suites that overlook the shore.” GET THAT MONAAAY. ALSO, YOU SMELL GOOD.

 
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Posted by on October 9, 2011 in Horoscopes

 

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Extensive Lists: Songs That Are Improved Through Their Clean Versions

Song #1: Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back) by Eamon

The breakup that defined a generation.

The original song is an angsty, ambiguously-raced teenager ranting about his girlfriend breaking up with him, and using a lot of swear words to “get back at her.” It’s pretty mediocre.

The radio edit of this song, featured on some Now That’s What I Call Music! CD you bought for 16 dollars in the early 2000s, is a work of genius. Instead of subtly changing the lyrics, or taking them out completely, some wonderful artist chose to do a really half-ass job of cleaning up this song, and oh are we so glad he did. “Fuck what I said” becomes “Fffff what I said,” “It don’t mean shit now” becomes “It don’t mean shhhh now,” and “Fuck you you hoe” becomes “Ffff you you ahhhhh (extended and utterly inappropriate sex moan).” It’s awesome, to say the least.

Check out the clean version here, set to a background of kind of funny sports-related photos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXEqipuWOM0

And then check out the weirdest cover of the dirty version on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8jGtcakgHg

 
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Posted by on September 11, 2011 in Extensive Lists

 

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